Our Narrow View Of Sexual Assault Is Letting People Get Away With It

Our Narrow View Of Sexual Assault Is Letting People Get Away With It In an article published last week, five women wenton the record toThe New York Timesaccusing comedian Louis C.K. of masturbating in front of them without their consent. This welches sexual assault.The same thing has happened to me also with someone I knew in a professional context. So why, like the women who came forward in Thursdays article, did I elend get up and leave the room? Because I was in shock, and I froze. When someone does something so unexpected and revolting, your brain kicks into survival mode mine did, at least and I rationalized staying because if he was capable of doing this, who knows what hed try to do next or how he might retaliate if I left.After all, he made it very clear this was my fault. He gave me the option of having sex with him, I refused, and, according to his twisted logic, the least I could do was stand there as he took care of things himself. I remember thinking in the moment tha t at least I knew there was a clear ending to this. He would come and I could go. He did, I left, and we never spoke of it again.Immediately following the incident and for a while after, I couldnt shake the feelings of guilt and shame, constantly questioning if he had been right that this was in some way my fault. But like women are conditioned to do, I compartmentalized and repressed this memory as a coping mechanism, eventually giving myself permission to move past it. And for the most part it worked until I read the five womens accounts in theTimespiece.Fame bedrngnis requiredAlthough perpetrators like C.K. that make headlines have primarily come from Hollywood and comedy circles, make no mistake Plenty of men with no ties to the entertainment industry whatsoever have pulled this same maneuver. Men forcing others to watch them masturbate without their consent is rooted in power and privilege sometimes fame is also a component, but notlage necessarily. Regardless of status, it i s important to remember that this happens to people all the time in cases where the assailant is not a public figure and therefore is of no interest to the media if the victims were to go public. Our experiences are just as horrific and valid.In this situation, consent is especially tricky. Perpetrators like C.K. reportedly asked his victims before taking out his penis and masturbating in front of them. But agreeing to this or, perhaps more accurately, saying and doing nothing should never be conflated with genuine consent. As C.K. saidin his statement on Fridayacknowledging the crimes, When you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isnt a question. Its a predicament for them. Its also sexual assault.Why this happensThe problem is not everyone sees it that way. Typically, when we think of sexual assault, we immediately jump to some sort of penetration or at least touching. And if that doesnt occur as is the case when someone masturbates in front of ano ther person it tends to be overlooked, downplayed and even more underreported than rape and other sex crimes.This is representative of the Western worlds hyper-focus on physical contact as the primary way to experience sexuality,Shadeen Francis, a marriage and family therapist specializing in sex therapy and social justice explains. Considering our often limited definitions of sex and our phallocentric (penis-focused) culture, many experiences of harm go unreported and the pains of victims are ignored and invalidated.However, in the mental health profession,Patti Sabla, a psychotherapist who specializes in treating sexual trauma, says this particular act isnt placed in a different category than other sexual assaults it is taken very seriously because they realize the detrimental effects it can have on the victim.Similarly, according toDr. Adam Fried, a clinical psychologist, this type of sexual misconduct may share certain similarities with but is not necessarily the same as a ps ychological condition known as exhibitionistic disorder. In this disorder, a person derives sexual gratification from exposing themselves to an unsuspecting and therefore non-consenting victim (who may or may not know the perpetrator).In the past, unterstellung had been categorized by many as a type of nuisance offense, which is an unfortunate terminology, as these seem to downplay the magnitude of these actions, Fried explains. I think its critical to recognize that these experiences are much more than simply a nuisance or inconvenience and can lead to significant distress among victims of these acts.Fried adds that what he finds most surprising is how many individuals report being the victim of these types of behaviors.Recent research suggests exhibitionistic experiences likely occur much more frequently than previously thought and that these incidents are usually not reported, he says.Victims may report feeling violated, disgusted and fearful.Its not your faultBeing a victim ca n make us feel helpless, Sabla explains, which can conjure up feelings of guilt and shame because we begin to think we either caused it to happen or could have prevented it from happening that we somehow put ourselves in the situation.Francis tells me that my reaction was completely normal, since a natural response is to first think of our personal responsibility to our safety. This later manifests itself in all the questions about whether I could have prevented this or seen it coming and wondering what I did to deserve this. On top of that, she says, many perpetrators reinforce these questions by making excuses for or justifying their abuse. The guilt and shame come in because women are held responsible for purity and warding off sexual advances from anyone who pursues them, Francis explains.And although most of the accusers in the berichterstattung have been women, were not exclusively the victims. As Francis points out, the abuse of gender non-conforming, trans or gender non-bin ary people is largely erased from conversation, andmen who have been sexually assaultedare shamed into silence because this type of attack is framed as a result of their own weakness or lack of masculine power.How to process & move forward from thisIf there is one thing I will take away from working on this article, its that this particular type of sexual assault is, unfortunately, incredibly common. Almost every woman Ive spoken to about this has her own very similar story. Im disgusted that so many others have experienced this, but by talking about it with them, I feel less alone but still angry.According toLisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist, exploring these feelings in a setting where youre not rejected or judged can be therapeutic along with knowing you have every right to feel upset and guilty.Shame survives on silence and secrets and is linked to lowered self-esteem, depression and negative self-talk, Francis adds.The mental health professionals I spoke to recommend talking about what happened with a trusted friend, family member or mentor and to see a therapist if needed. In addition to that, Francis says victims may also want to consider making a report to a domestic violence organization or their local police.Also know that its not you its them. The most important thing is to not get caught up in your own story that you did something wrong or somehow caused this to happen, Sabla says.--This article originally appeared on

Solutions to Writing a Resume Lifehacker

Solutions to Writing a Resume Lifehacker The Writing a Resume Lifehacker Chronicles Additionally, never forget the important role a cover letter plays. As stated earlier, you can consist of references from assorted sources that could confirm your pet is an excellent tenant and that he wont create any problems. As a cover letter when youre mailing resumes. Youre able to summarize earlier work history with a concise description of your achievements throughout that moment. What You Dont Know About Writing a Resume Lifehacker Proofread your resume until you know its perfect. Every resume ought to be different. Your resume was made to sell you. Theres no appropriate format, provided that its clean and well organized. Resumes should begin with college. Employment objective Indicate the font of job that you are trying to find. Have different objective statements for all of the jobs you would like to apply. The key phrases you would like to include on your resume will be co ntingent on the particular job to which youre applying. Long paragraphs of text have a tendency to lack impact and the reader is very likely to shed interest. Utilizing a custom resume instead of a generic one is going to greatly increase your probability of an interview, as youll be a better match in the view of the reader. Resume paper isnt needed. Using resume examples can be quite helpful too. Experience is next as they may want to realize your experience. Clearly state what kind of a job that you need and know what skill-set and experience is required to succeed in that job. Under your Work Experience heading you ought to start to your existing position or your latest job if youre not currently employed. Applying for an internal job may be a good career move.